You should be aware that the path ahead will be tricky. Dangers will await you on every side. In this respect, your quest will be much like surfing the Internet. But don’t be discouraged, for you hold in your metaphorical hands a sure-fire guide to Total World Domination. All you have to do is follow these steps and you are absolutely 100% guaranteed to end up personally deciding the fate of every single one of the billions of people in the world. All I ask is that you rule kindly, and maybe set me up as Grand Vizier or something.

Step One: Seize Control of a Country
Oh, relax. It doesn’t have to be a large one. All you need is to pick out a country, any country, and take control of it. This will be your base of power, and will be how people think of you. If you take control of Canada, you will shortly be known as the Canadian Madman or something. It might be a good idea to pick a country with a short, punchy name, because if you become the tyrannical ruler of Trinidad and Tobago, the people on CNN will have a hard time summing you up in those catchy “Crisis in the Caribbean” graphics.

A few good ways to take over a country are:

Violence. This is tried and true. An AK-47 in the ear will discourage even the most “reluctant” president from hanging around where he’s not wanted. You might want to bring along a ruthlessly vicious and terrifyingly loyal army when you stage your coup, or the old president’s army might object. And remember, the old army is almost certainly better-paid and better-equipped than yours is.
Work From Within. If sudden violence isn’t your thing, you can always follow the rules. Some countries have whole Constitutions full of ways that any Joe Random Lunatic can end up in charge. And almost all countries have bureaucracies through which you can rise until you end up in a position even more powerful that the supposed Czar. On the other hand, his method is long, slow, and boring. And with one wrong move, you could find yourself stuck in the Department for the Realignment of Lemmings, Gophers, and Trash Cans.
Bribery. If you have the funds, you could just up and buy the current powers that be. It’s quick, it’s efficient, and best of all, it doesn’t hurt anybody’s feelings. Unless you forget to grease everyone in sight. So many attempted power-grabs have failed because one key person felt left out.
Step Two: Declare War on your Neighbors
Okay, so you own a small chunk of the planet. Big deal. This is no time to rest on your laurels. There’s dozens of countries out there. Maybe hundreds. I didn’t count them, but the CIA World Factbook has thirteen and a half screensful. No, wait, I found another site that says there’s 191. So that’s a lot, and all you control is one country. Your great journey has just begun. Remember: There are many countries and they will all be yours.

So the first thing to do is declare war on your neighbors and seize control of them quickly and efficiently, with as little blood and bad feeling as possible. You’ll want to continue this until you control an entire continent. That’s when you know you’re really getting somewhere. Well, unless it’s Antarctica or Australia. I mean no disrespect to Australia, you understand; it’s just that it seems like one of the easier continents to rule. Right now, for example, somebody named “John Winston Howard” appears to be in charge of the place, unless you buy that story about Queen Elizabeth II.

Step Three: Incinerate New York City
This is not really vital for World Domination, but let’s face it: this should have been done decades ago.

Step Four: Continue Your Hunlike Rampage With Murderous Efficiency, Sweeping Across the Globe, Claiming Country After Country Until At Last There Is Nowhere That Is Immune To Your Wrath
Congratulations! You rule the whole world! But . . . could it be? Might there be . . . life? On other planets? Could they be conspiring with the rebel forces on this planet? For there are rebel forces, make no mistake about that. They’re conspiring in the back alleys against you. They resent you for showing them how easy world domination is for someone with gumption. The evil ones, they’re trying to depose you. They’re working from the inside and outside. And now they’ve got extraterrestrial help! Something must be done.

Step Five: Begin Raining Nuclear Bombs on the Planet, Destroying Those Who Would Destroy You
Ha! Take that, Europe! So long, Asia! No you’re safe! Now that it’s just you! You and your trusted advisor George. But can George really be trusted. He’s been looking at the skies oddly . . . perhaps he’s in league with them?

Step Six: Shoot George in the Head
There! That should do it! Now you’re the only one in the world! You’re the King! You’re the Emperor! You’re — hey! What are these little green people? Aiieeee! The Andromedans! They’ve come for you! Nooooooo!

Step Seven: Live Out the Rest of Your Miserable Existence in Miserable Slavery in a Different Galaxy
Nice going, bonehead!

Barney is a Dino-Saure from our Imagination and when he’s tall thats what we call a Dino-Saure Sensation

Barneys friends are Big and Small and come from lots of places and after scholl they meet and play and sing with happy faces

Barney shows us lots of things like how to play pretend ABC’s and 123’s and how to be a friend

Barney comes to play with us whenever we may need him

Barney can be your friend to if you just make beleve him!!!

Barney is a Dino-Whore and has lots of little bitches, he beats them and they beat him and he takes naked, nasty pictures.

Barneys friends are Big and Small in lots of different places, he sneaks into thier room at night and makes them make funny faces.

Barney shows them lots of things like how to play pretend, ABC’s and 123’s and how to beat your friend.

Barney comes to play with us whenever we dont want him, after school he beats and plays all day with his little children.!!

Education
Barney is a Dinosaur, Made of Radiation, He picks his nose and picks his butt and calles it Education

He’s so good for your children, Teachers often say, ABC’s and 123’s and how to be a Gay

He touches us everyday, Especially when we’re Bad, Barney tells us lots of things like not to tell our Dad

Everyone should know this song cuz he’s already Here, Everyday and Every Night of Every Single Year!

2. Make him gargle broken glass.

3. Get children-sized mannequins and fill them with razor blades.
(kinda like the razored apple Halloween trick!)

4. Get him to read “The Canonical List of Blonde Jokes” to a room
full of feminists.

5. Send him to Sea World to see Shamu -enough said

6. Drop him from a bridge onto the in-bound lane of the Boston
Expressway.

7. Slap some antlers on his head and send him into the woods
during November.

8. Move every third molecule 3 feet to the left until he closely
resembles Picasso’s “Guernica”.

9. Nail his feet to his shoulders and use him as the Jamaican
bobsled in the 1996 Winter Olympics.

10. Hollow him out and fill him with Bac-o-bits, use as Swiss
Colony store display model.

11. Cryogenically freeze him, then cut out shamrock shaped pieces
of his body, dye green, and use as lapel pins for St. Patrick’s
Day.

12. Shoot him.

13. “Barney, I would like you to meet Dr. Kevorkian….”

14. Let him be a guest on Geraldo…let the one armed,
Vietnamese, lesbian, bigamist rip his arms off.

15. Donate his body to science…early.

16. Well, just call my cousins Guido and Vinnie and tell them
that you kinda placed $200 in a bag under the rock in the
park….mention the fact that you would _love_ to have Barney’s
knee-caps as conversation pieces.

17. Ask the owl in the tree, “How many layers of skin does it
take to get to the middle of a Barney?” Peel off layers of skin
one at a time.

18. Get him to show kids how to make and set off pipe bombs.

19. Have him magically turn the classroom into a vacuum … watch
his body explode.

20. Strip off his flesh, bury the bones in your back yard, and
then dig them up, a piece at a time, selling them to your nearest
natural history museum. A complete dinosaur skeleton would be
worth a fortune! Death to Barney for fun AND profit!

21. Put him in Straight-Jacket (really tough & leathery).

22. Put him in one of those inflated bounce amusement park things
for a year or so…

23. Prepare him as food in any number of ways (deep fried and
breaded is my personal favourite) then grind up his bones for
fertilizer. Sell food to an enemy. Watch enemy become Barney.
Then repeat the process as many times as you like…

24. Sew his lips to his rectum.

25. Take him into space and put him into a decaying orbit.

26. Cut him up with a dull chain-saw.

27. Toss him into a blast furnace.

28. Make him a referee in an NHL game.

29. Tell the kids of the world that Barney wants you to eat your
vegetables.

30. Write a “101 Uses for a Dead Purple Dinosaur” book.

31. Make him listen to Jesse Jackson.

32. Put him in a guillotine; put the rope holding up the blade in
his mouth and then beat his ass with a jagged piece of metal
until he screams.

33. Put him on the Starship Enterprise. Make him go up to Worf
and ask him if it’s true that all Klingons are really wimps.

34. Dip him in tar (anything sticky will do), cover him with
hundred-dollar bills and throw him into a pit full of lawyers…

35. Cut open his gut until the entrails lie splayed out on the
floor. Don’t give him a needle and thread.

36. Tie him down in the middle of the Sahara Desert and let the
vultures have him. I am not sure that is a good idea because we
don’t need to be that cruel to the vultures.

37. Duct tape him to a street light in South Central L.A. If we
are lucky, he will be shot in a drive by!

38. There is the old “Cement Overshoes”, but that could be
considered water pollution.

39. Make him write, “I will not be a demon sent from the lowest
depths of hell” 100 times with a piece of chalk only 1/4 inch
long.

40. Lob a can of Nitro-nine under his purple butt.

41. Bury all but his head in an anthill. Cover with honey. See
how effective that torture method *really* is.

42. Shark bait. (Need to cut him up a little first…)

43. Let him take the place of a car crash dummy.

44. Have him clean up toxic waste/nuclear radiation sites,
without environmental gear.

45. Let him have a loooong visit in the Marinaras Trench.

46. Have him stand under the space shuttle during the next
launch.

47. Send him to inspect an underground nuclear test site, minutes
before the next test.

48. Send him to Somalia as famine relief.

49. Target practice.

50. Send him on a candlelight tour of the Wilson Dynamite
factory.

51. Pack his parachute all wrong and push him out of an airplane.
Then throw the chute after him.

52. Use him for testing Ginsu knives with Mrs. Bobbitt helping
out.

53. Get him to neuter a Pit-Bull Terrier.

54. Cruise missile target.

55. Plutonium enema.

56. “Charlie Manson? This is your new cell-mate.”

57. Send him to Miami in a rented car.

58. Lock him in a room with 10 rabid raccoons.

59. Send him on a walking tour of the La Brea Tar Pits.

60. Make him become a politician in Mexico.

61. Take him bungee jumping. Forget to secure bungee cord.

62. Poke him in the belly. With an ice pick. See if he laughs
like the Pillsbury Doughboy.

63. Cast him in place of Mr. Bill on “The Mr. Bill Show”

64. Cut off his tail, and watch him fall on his face for lack of
balance.

65. Send him to Loch Ness. Maybe Nessie will try to mate with him.

66. Cut off his arms and say “Where’s that ‘great big hug’
*now*!?!”

67. Shave his fur. ALL of it.

68. The Juice Tiger. It separates the Barney pulp from the
Barney juices.

69. Infiltrate the PBS stations and switch the “Barney & Friends”
tapes with “Beavis ‘n’ Butthead” and watch the kids burn him to
death.

70. Use him to insulate the steam pipes at your local nuclear
generating station.

71. Move the set of the show to an actual inner-city classroom.

72. Let him visit the local jail, shove him in a cell and let the
sex-starved convicts after him.

73. Use him as evidence to prove that the acceleration of gravity
is 9.8 m/sec on Earth. Oh! and make sure that it is off of the
Sears tower too.

74. Let him take a New York Subway at night.

75. Use his head to plug up leaky dikes in Holland. (that is the
water barriers, not the other kind).

76. Use him as a bungee cord.

77. Make him hug Madonna. (When she’s wearing her pointy bra)

78. Let him help put out forest fires.

79. Teflon bullets to the skull, chest, and genitalia of the
beast.

80. Throw him into a combine.

81. Bazooka blast to the cranium.

82. Nuclear Bombs. Nuff said.

83. Tie him up like a pinata and have small Mexican children beat
it to death.

84. Drown him in gasoline and then set it ablaze.

85. Throw him in a vat of methylene chloride.

86. Use him for an 18 wheeler’s traction.

87. Have him inspect the space shuttle’s engines at T+60.

88. Put him in a cage that houses 1000 Tokay Geckoes (irony is
that they’re mostly purple too).

89. Have him change targets at a rifle range… without ceasing
fire.

90. Put him to work at the Mt. St. Helens Close Study Station
AFTER the next evacuation.

91. Use him as a test subject at the Army’s Biological – Chemical
– Nuclear Warfare unit.

92. Place him underneath equal quantities of iron oxide and
powdered aluminum. (use lots of both… < 100 pounds… mix
well, but carefully) Toss in a lit sparkler.

93. Freeze him with liquid nitrogen, and repeat step 83.

94. See if liquid helium has similar effects.

95. Cover him in a mixture of 110 Octane AvGas and Ivory Soap
Flakes. (mix until gel-like) You’ll need another sparkler.

96. Force-feed him potassium chlorate solution.

97. Have him transported to Bosnia, where everyone over there can
unite under a single cause for once in a thousand years and kill
him!

98. Microwave ovens work wonders.

99. Tie him down in a chair and force him to listen to country
music, until even HE goes insane with all the sap!

100. Have him climb trees near overhead power lines.

101. Put him on trial for paedophilia. He’ll kill himself.

102. Have him ask Fred Phelps about the good side of
homosexuality. NOTE: Fred Phelps is the biggest Gay basher on
the Earth.

103. Let HIM tell the baseball leagues they’re not getting their
raise.

104. Tell him Jimmy Hoffa was a bad man and he should tell it to
the Teamsters.

105. Give him two bottles. #1 is filled with nitroglycerine and
napalm. #2 is full of pepper.

106. Tell the Menedez Boys he is in cahoots with their parents.

107. Put him on an LA freeway at 4:59.

108. Put him in Crypt gear in a Blood neighbourhood. (reversible)

109. Drain-O milkshakes.

110. Have him apply at Oscar Meyer as “Hot Dog Filler”.

111. Make him wear a pentagram and send him to a Baptist church

112. Virtual Realty BarneyDOOM.

113. “Gee Mr. Tarzan, I thought apes were stupid.”

114. Send him to a Buddhist Cafe and order the Filet-mignon.

115. Send him to France an have him declare he’s American.

116. Let him drink the water in Juadalahara.

117. Get him married to O J Simpson.

118. Make him tell Rush Limbaugh he’s a sissy.

119. Tell him nitroglycerine can be made in a paint mixer.

120. 100 cans of JOLT and a titanium steel vault.

121. Tell the NRA he supports gun control.

122. Send him to a country western bar and let him play heavy
metal. (reversible)

123. A Black Hole.

124. “Gee Mr. Barkley, I can play basketball better than
you…….”

125. Make him run UNIX on a Tandy Colour Computer 3. (128k total)

126. Give him the box from Hellraiser and tell him it’s a Rubix
Cube.

127. “Can I have a drink of that, Mr. Socrates?”

128. Enroll him on a 15 step program while on a 10 step pier.

129. Tell him piranhas like to be petted.

130. Fill the sandbox with quicksand.

131. Shove a Q-tip down his ear and through his head.

132. Shove him into a meat-grinder. (Don’t actually cook the
meat and serve it, though!)

133. Lock him up in a tiny school locker, then shoot bullets
around him, thus scaring the living hell out of him, then either
let him die of shock and starvation or simply shoot him through
the door (but in the gut! That way he BLEEDS to death, slowly,
and painfully!).

134. Infect Baby Bop with some debilitating disease, then, since
Barney obviously has sex with her regularly, sit back and watch
the fun.

135. Inject him with all the chemicals that go into Hostess
Twinkies.

136. Pour equal, and large, amounts of ammonia and then bleach
down the purple one’s throat (a funnel may come in handy) then
stand back and watch the corrosive chlorine fumes quickly melt
his organs from the inside out.

137. Tie him under a huge magnifying glass on a real sunny day;
you’ve made a new treat! “JURASSIC FRITTERS”!

138. Sign him up as the new drummer for” Spinal Tap”.

139. Give him a stack of “Save the Whales” GreenPeace fliers and
send him to Rush Limbaugh’s house.

140. Peg 60-pound dumbbells at him until he dies.

141. Lock him in a tiny elementary school locker, plug up the
bottom slats, then slowly drop bugs in through the top slats
(preferably creatures like spiders and centipedes). If you get
tired of this get a gun and shoot Barney through the locker door.

142. Make him drink fabric softener until he softens to death.

143. Put him in an old car that’s being put in the crusher.

144. Introduce him to a pit bull.

145. Stuff him down the garbage disposal.

146. Mummify him.

147. Give him drowning lessons.

148. Nitroglycerin suppository

149. Paper cuts from hate mail

150. Wine press

151. Dissolved in organic solvent of choice (e.g.
1,1,1-trichloroethane, acetone, carbon tetrachloride)

152. Clubbed by a baby seal hunter

153. Exploding gas barbecue

154. Rusty meat hook

155. Pulp digester / Saw mill

155. Lethal ingestion of bean sprouts and tofu

156. Skydiving accident (His concrete parachute fails to open).

157. Barney meets the Terminator. “Hasta la vista…BARNEY!”.

158. Exploding school bus

159. Field trip to your local zoo. Barney loves to spread love
and happiness to all of the carnivores.

160. Children’s Tylenol laced with cyanide

161. Trampling by thousands of tiny spongie feet

162. Asphyxiation on a twinkie

163. Bungee jumping with chord tied around neck (with static line?)

164. 1000 RPM merry-go-round

165. Dragged behind a school bus on a gravel road

166. Tail caught in elevator doors

167. Legalization of purple slavery

168. Nasal spray or eye drops replaced with concentrated acid
(e.g. nitric, chromic, hydrofluoric, sulphuric, or hydrochloric)

169. Add crushed glass to his granola or high fibre cereal.

170. Thrown in a vat of bleach. (White Barney could become a
symbol for white supremacy)

171. Sucked into a turbo-prop engine (a jet would be more fun.
‘after burners?’

172. Submerged into a CANDU reactor

173. Swarmed by killer bees

174. Purple parasites

175. Kidnapped by members of the Columbian drug cartel (or is he
the ring leader in disguise)

176. Chopped up into pet food (Purina Barney chow)

177. Shintu massage as administered by a sumo wrestler.

178. Assimilation by the Borg. (but they probably wouldn’t want him)

179. Accupunture with a nail gun

180. Hit and run at a school crossing

181. Brain scrambled (rescrambled?) by aliens

182. Body cavity search using a fish scaling knife.

183. Harpooned by a whaling ship

184. OOPS! Barney shouldn’t have soldered that propane tank
while full.

185. Run over by a Zamboni

186. “Accidentally” shoved in front of a subway train.

187. Crushed between plates in a fault line.

188. Inquiring minds want to know…What is the tensile strength
of Barney?

189. Used as a guinea pig in a pain threshold study.

190. NATO air strike.

191. Egyptian mummification ritual.

192. Visit to the taxidermist.

193. Blasted with a Neuron-T-disrupter.

194. Forced to watch “The Wall” video without his happy pills.

195. Give him a lead role in a snuff film.

196. Tar and feathered by crazed parents.

197. Bludgeoned to purple paste.

198. Compressed to a singularity.

199. Bent, folded and mutilated by the post office. (would be
worse if you didn’t write “fragile” on the label)

200. Barney goes for a spin on a cyclotron. Too bad about the
sudden stop.

201. Heat pasteurization.

202. Barney stars in an Itchy and Scratchy movie.

203. Put Barney in an old Star Trek episode, in a RED SHIRT.

204. Put Barney in a Star Trek Next Generation episode, in a gold
shirt.

205. Confine him with Marvin the depressed Android (Douglas Adams).

206. Use Barney as a test subject for exotic new nerve gases.

207. Make him deliver the new Canadian budget to the angry
college students (including me)